Goner

Somebody catch my breath**

I can’t breathe: The only denominator to any of my plights.
When I was told I would be sent off.
When I was told I couldn’t say goodbye.
I was told I would never survive as is.
I covered my head as everyone stomped along my back.
I covered my mouth and held my breath.
I didn’t tell her I missed her then. I won’t be able to now.

My parents denied the possibility of me having a physical condition. They said I was smart enough to suck up whatever emotions were bothering me. That didn’t work, so to the military it was.

I didn’t know how to tell my friend Margot we wouldn’t finish school together. That it wasn’t my decision. She noticed I was sad and she squeezed my hand. It was all she could do, and I didn’t want to let go to tell her.

I had hoped I’d get to wave farewell when the time came. My parents said attachment would hold me back. My chest hurt.

Even once I could physically push back against the forces, hold my arms up to defend, my lungs felt like bursting.

Still, I graduated. I was a guard under General Corday’s command. Sure there were limitations as to what I could do or where I could go, but in my free time I would go on walks. It was peaceful to wander.

During one of these walks, I met an odd kid. He said he had been following me. He handed me a stopwatch and suggested I keep track of how fast he would become a soldier. I said goodnight and good luck.

Then he kept following me.

The good thing about being supervised by Corday was that he was lenient. The bad thing was that he was involved in the conspiracy to murder General Harse, and he took off before facing consequences. Now there was only one general who had no experience in recruiting, so naturally chaos had followed.

Admittedly, I had no interest in the politics. I did my job and I wasn’t in bad shape. Not until the riot happened. Guards shot into the crowd after being attacked by radicals. The crossfire that killed her.

I realized then my shortcomings were no longer an excuse. My inability to breathe right. There was a reason I was here – to restore order.

“So… I hear you got that fancy promotion. What am I supposed to call you now? General Gauthier?”

Forest pulled off his fox shaped mask. “Long time, no see, Noah.”

Noah grinned. “I like the mask.”

“Thank you. I like it too.”

“What’s it like being at the top? Does it feel awesome?”

Forest scratched the back of his neck. “I feel the same. I still have duties, just with another uniform.”

“But you have more freedom than just a guard, right?”

“Depends.”

“So like- hypothetically- if you punched a woman…”

“I’m not answering this.”

“Listen! If you punched a woman-”

“You shouldn’t suggest such things. Especially since my colleague is a woman.”

“Colleague? You’re giving her too much credit.”

“What?”

“You haven’t heard? She’s a complete nutcase.”

“Who? General S?”

“Yeah! I don’t know what happened, but me and the others heard her completely lose her shit at some officers a while back. She was screaming about ripping their throats out, and they all jumped ship.”

“Are you sure this is true? I feel like this is something you’d make up..”

“I’m not lying! Ask anyone! Tyler was there with me, he can vouch that he heard it too. Everyone’s been talking about it.”

Forest paused for a minute. “I will keep this in mind.”

I wandered around the halls, looking for my new living space. The promotion wasn’t all that recent, but I had remained in my old quarters for a long time.

It was rumored that a new general had not been anticipated, and they needed time to cleanse the rooms of anything that belonged to Harse or Corday before moving anyone else in. Just for safekeeping.

Time meant about eight weeks, for some reason. Of course it was right when I had gotten used to the placeholder room that now I had to be moved. So I was looking for where that would be.

“Ah! Are you the new general? Mister Gauthier?”

I turned around and saw a lady with a red suit and teal hair. She wore a hat and a cat shaped mask with bright colorful eyes. She was carrying a load of blankets and sheets.

“Yes..”

“Wonderful! Follow me.” She started walking off rather quickly, and I tried to keep up with her paces. “I’ve heard so many good things about you.”

“Really?”

“Yes! You’re the one who took out most of the radical spies who loomed within the walls, correct?”

I felt my heart skip a beat. It felt like a string had pulled my lungs up and closed the airway. “How.. how did you know..?”

“Oh, I know about everything~” She turned to her side and gave a wide smile. “There’s no reason to be ashamed. That was a huge help for all of us.”

I felt the string let go. There was no reason to stiffen. I had silently disposed of any radical I recognized from that day. I was certain there were no witnesses. But I breathed comfortably. I didn’t do anything wrong.

“However.. I heard you had been dismissing guards left and right. Why’s that?”

Now that string was back, and it felt harder to breathe. Was it wrong to dismiss the ones who were reckless with their rifles? The ones who could accidentally shoot another innocent? Better yet, how did she know that? Why are you keeping track of that?

She chuckled. “Oh, silly. I’m a general too. We’ve been overseeing the same cohort. Any scheduling updates have gotten back to me.”

Then I froze. The embarrassment had finally sunken in. “I didn’t mean to say any of those things out loud. I..”

“That’s fine. No one ever does, but they still do anyway..”

She turned to a door, and smothered the blankets with one arm while extending the other to turn the knob.

It opened. My new quarters. She placed the blankets on a chair arm in the corner, and turned on the lamp by the bed stand.

“Welcome to your new living space~!”

I shuffled in, quietly. I wasn’t sure if saying anything to her was a good idea. She still opened the door for me, so perhaps I didn’t completely spoil her mood. But there was something uneasy about her eyes. Maybe it was the mask. The colors may have been throwing me off.

“Thank you,” I said. “I appreciate your help, and I look forward to working with you.”

“Likewise!” She held out her hand. I started to shake it until she suddenly yanked me forward. She grabbed my shoulder to prevent a complete fall. Then I suddenly felt a sword next to my neck, and she spoke in a low, monotonous tone.

“In the future, please communicate when you relocate our guards. If I cannot trust you, you will be executed.” She then stood back. “Is that understood?”

I took a deep breath. I was wearing my mask. For some reason I suddenly felt weary it could stick onto my face. I feared it would rip my skin off. Naturally I took my mask off. Then I realized my face may have looked wrong. Maybe a muscle was out of place and gave the wrong impression.

“I did not mean to offend you,” is what I tried to say. The words didn’t come out fully intelligible and I could tell by her confused expression. “I…” My hand rubbed the bridge of my nose.

I heard her ask. “What’s going on?”

I tired to shake my head, but I just couldn’t move. Her eyebrows furrowed, and she closed the door. I didn’t know how to explain that sometimes my body this reaction sometimes. I didn’t feel like I was all there anymore.

She would soon realize I go into some sort of cardiac arrest over stupid, stupid things. She and the Madame would realize. It was a mistake to promote me. She was taking her mask off. I was going to die.

“Please, sit..” She walked me over to the chair, and sat me down. “Breathe.."

She counted. Five. Four. Three. Two. I followed. In. Out. Inhale. Exhale.

It took a moment. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to offend you. This happens unprovoked. It’s only stress. I am sorry...”

“It’s okay.” She grabbed a blanket and put it on me. “One of the trainees I know struggles with something like that. I’ve tried to help her but…” she paused. “You should rest.”

I blinked a couple of times. My vision suddenly felt clear. I didn’t realize it wasn’t.

“If you really have to kill me,” I muttered, “I wish to be buried next to Margot Auclaire’s grave. If it’s possible. If not, I understand. That’ll be my only request if I must die.”

S looked at me solemnly. “I don’t think I’ll have to. Please lay down. Get settled in. You and I should chat later.”

I nod.

The thing with her eyes. It wasn’t the mask. I was right that something was there, but I also wasn’t. I thought there was malice, but there wasn’t. It was just despair.